Three weeks to find my inner abundance

Today, I started the longest holiday I’ve had since I was 18 years old.

It’s just three weeks off the job and out of my routine — what many adults in Europe, for example, would consider a standard summer holiday. Like many Americans, though, taking this much time for myself goes against my conditioning. Having graduated from college with a mountain of student loan debt and in the thick of the financial crisis, I was trained to see any down time as unproductive. Always be earning, always be competing to prove your worth. Inertia is god.

My life looks a lot different from what it was when I stepped into 2019. I quit my six-figure finance industry job to work as a full-time climate activist. I began taking care of my personal ecology, including by confronting anxiety and self-worth issues that I have been suffering for too long. I left behind some old attachments that were working against my happiness.

In important ways, though, my life hasn’t changed at all. I still go to an office and stare at a computer screen for 8-10 hours five days a week. I still live in the heart of Tokyo, a bustling and noisy metropolis. From time to time, I still catch the specter of my self-critical mind saying I’m not enough. Not smart enough. Not brave enough. Not creative enough.

After too much of “not enough,” I’ve decided to use the remains of summer to find my inner abundance. Some magnetic force has pulled me toward the Pacific Northwest for years, so the plan is to respond to that force after so much resisting. I’ll be in Oregon, spending some time with new people and connecting with nature. The lion’s share of my journey will be concentrated in and around Mt. Hood, where I’m planning a week of backpacking, give or take depending on what feels right.

I know there’s a better way to live. I dream about a life more aligned with my values and in tune with my frequency. I’ve been thinking about diving into that life for so long, but the gravity of routine and old ways of thinking kept me stuck to the ground. I don’t expect to reach escape velocity in just three weeks. But by setting my intention and meditating on it, I believe I’ll be able to see the exit signs a little more clearly. 

It’s just three weeks, but it feels like so much more. It feels like enough.